she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
