I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I faked an abortion last night.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
