I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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