Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
