I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
