Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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