You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
my liver is dry heaving
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
