just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you inspire me to be a worse person
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
