Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
