Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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