i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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