this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
