you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
