I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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