I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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