it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
