Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
