I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
there is puke in my bra ... again
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
