i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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