Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
