I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize