Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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