i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
