Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
