He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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