paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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