So drunk its hurt
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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