i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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