My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
