My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
