i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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