You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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