a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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