wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
