3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
