Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
sarcasm needs its own font
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
