My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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