I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
