I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
