More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
