I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
