that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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