I looked at my own cervix.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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