Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
