Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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