I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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