I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
