And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
