After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize