did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
