The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
