I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
