I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm too high and old for this...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
