Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
