i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
