see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
