I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We are all done wearing pants today
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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