I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
