The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
