I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
