remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
