security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
