I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
