He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
