This is not my ceiling
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize