I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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