nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
