i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
