So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
