How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you had me at cake vodka
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
