I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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