And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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