$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
