This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
