I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize